So, you’ve got the family dinner invite, and you’re already mentally bracing yourself for the “lively discussion” (read: clash of political opinions) that’s likely to go down at the table. Yep, it’s that time of year again, when we gather with loved ones to celebrate the season—and quite possibly argue about politics, religion or if the sky is blue. If you’re already wondering how to get through these gatherings without having to defend every one of your beliefs, you’re not alone. The good news? You don’t have to turn into a recluse or sacrifice your values to keep the peace.
Let’s talk about bridging the divide without building a wall. And while being true to yourself.
Know Your Non-Negotiables (and Your Breath Count)
It’s easy to feel pressured to bend or gloss over our values to keep family peace, but it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Before you head into the lion’s den (or dinner table), take a moment to remind yourself of what you stand for. Which beliefs are core to your identity? Which ones make you proud of who you are? Hold onto these like a gentle anchor, even as you navigate tricky conversations.
And when someone starts talking about that hot-button issue? Take a breath. Seriously, practice a breath count or grounding exercise you can use when things heat up. Sometimes, the best response is just…no response. You do not need to respond to the s**t stirrers, because you can be secure in your beliefs, your values, and your sense of self. You always have a choice, and your responsibility is to make the choice that works best for you.
Mantra for Your Back Pocket: “My values are safe with me, and I am true to myself, even in this room.”
Daily Affirmation: “I am creating a life that honors my values and well-being.”
Give Yourself Permission to Choose Your Battles Wisely
I get it—you want to stand up for what’s right. But sometimes, the best way to respect your own beliefs is by not wasting them on every conversation that comes your way. Not every comment needs a comeback; not every heated discussion is worth your energy.
Before you engage, ask yourself: Is this a battle that’ll leave me feeling more connected to this person, or just exhausted? If the answer is “exhausted,” let that be your cue to sip your drink and talk about the weather instead. There’s wisdom in picking your battles and even more wisdom in picking your peace. Even Roman Emperors picked their battles.
To decide, ask yourself: “Will this conversation make me feel closer to the person, or just drained?”
Set Boundaries Like a Pro (without the Side of Guilt)
We are often told that when we set reasonable boundaries, that makes us “bad family members” or whatever your particular family dysfunction labels it. In reality, boundaries help us show up as our best selves. If you know that certain topics are just going to be a spiral of negativity, give yourself permission to politely steer clear of them. Even if that is just a disagreement about the color of the sky.
Try, “I love hearing about your thoughts, but I think we’re in different places on this one. Let’s talk about [insert lighter topic here] instead.” You’re not dismissing them; you’re simply setting a limit on what you’re willing to engage with. A little detour to safer conversational territory might just save the day (and your nerves).
Remember: Boundaries aren’t rejection; they’re self-respect.
Planning tip: If you are already anticipating a disagreement, how about you come up with a list of those lighter topics to deploy when you need to? And extra credit if you and your posse come up with plans/signals for help when you need to get out of one of those situations.
When All Else Fails, Remember the Power of Connection Beyond Beliefs
Here’s the thing—no family is a perfect echo chamber of identical values and ideals. The best way to bridge divides isn’t by erasing differences but by finding ways to connect outside of them. Sure, your cousin may have vastly different views on [insert heated issue here], but that doesn’t mean you can’t bond over shared memories, humor, or an appreciation for the delicious spread on the table. Most people can find something to connect over, even if it is a mutual dislike of pumpkin pie (or whatever food item your family insists on that you just do not get).
This doesn’t mean you have to ignore your values or pretend to agree with things you don’t. It simply means that you’re allowed to enjoy people beyond their opinions. You can hold space for your own beliefs and still find common ground over simpler, shared connections.
Self-Check: “Can I find a way to connect that honors both of us?”
Take a Break – Yes, You’re Allowed to Step Away
Family gatherings can feel a bit like endurance tests, especially when the conversation takes a turn for the politically intense. Give yourself permission to hit the pause button—literally. Step outside, check your phone (for the 27th time, it’s okay), or just breathe in a quiet room.
If things feel heavy, stepping away for even a few minutes can help you reset. Find a window and practice a grounding exercise or text a friend who knows exactly how to cheer you up. This little breather can help you reconnect with your values before diving back in.
Planning Tip: If you’re sensing a shift to conflict, make a “bathroom break” your new best friend. Or go pet the dog (which is what I always do) or go hang out with the kiddos and play video games. Make a plan ahead of time so that you don’t have to scramble.
Reframe ‘Keeping the Peace’ as ‘Keeping Your Peace’
Here’s a truth bomb: Keeping the peace doesn’t mean staying silent or swallowing your truth. It means preserving your sense of calm and self-respect in the midst of differing views. This might look like listening more than talking, or gracefully exiting conversations that start feeling like debates.
Reframe keeping the peace as an act of self-care rather than just a family obligation. When you “keep your peace,” you’re ensuring you leave the gathering feeling whole, valued, and as close to stress-free as possible. It’s okay if that peace looks a little different than your great aunt might envision. You hold on to your version (that is what you have control over and what you can accept without taking it home with you).
Affirmation: “I can honor my values and hold my peace at the same time.”
Planning Tip: I know I am repeating myself, but think about that venn diagram – what are the things you have control over and what are the things you can accept without taking them home and stewing about them? That looks a little different for every situation, but here’s a little example [diagram]. If you know when something crosses a line, then you know when it is time to exit.
Keep Your Sense of Humor Handy
Sometimes, the only way to make it through a divided gathering is by laughing about the absurdity of it all. Humor, when used kindly, can be a beautiful bridge. Lighthearted jokes can ease tension and remind everyone that, despite differences, you’re all here together in the same weirdly decorated dining room.
For example, if someone makes a heated comment, try redirecting with a joke like, “Ah, a classic holiday hot topic! Just another Thanksgiving bingo square filled.” Laughing off certain comments doesn’t mean you agree, but it can keep things from escalating. Plus, a little humor can go a long way in letting others know you’re not looking to engage in a debate.
Go-To Humor Reminder: “When in doubt, find a reason to laugh about it.”
Life is like a camera: Focus on what’s important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out, take another shot.
Planning Tip: make a bingo card of all the random holiday things: remember that time dad dropped the turkey and we ate it anyway? Or the time aunt Bunnie kept farting and pretended like she didn’t? Or when your nephew spent the entire time on the phone and refused to talk to anyone? Or when your sister…well, I guess we will all see what happens this year! Just keep it light-hearted and kind. You know when it’s not.
There are only ever 4 options: SCAM. That stands for SOLVE – CHANGE – ACCEPT – MISERABLE. And think about which one of these is possible. In every interpersonal situation, you can do one of these – solve the problem, change the parameters, accept the situation, or be miserable. Being miserable is a valid choice you may make – but you do not have to.
So there you have it—a mini survival guide for bridging divides at family gatherings without giving up who you are. Remember, it’s entirely possible to stay true to yourself and connect meaningfully with others. It may not always feel easy, but with a few boundaries, deep breaths, and a sprinkle of humor, you can navigate even the trickiest of gatherings with a strong sense of self.
And, if all else fails, just know that the leftovers will be delicious.