When the Body Feels Betrayed

Breast Cancer, Disordered Eating, and the Path Back to Self-Trust

October is full of pink ribbons and slogans about “fighting like a girl.” Which I love, to some extent – girls fight all day every day and we’re good at it. But it is not all we are good at and it’s not all that we are. And it shouldn’t just be a month or an awareness campaign that celebrates that. Because life is also full of women quietly wondering what happened to their bodies—for so many reasons. And for survivors (of cancer, or trauma, of domestic violence, of life) why gratitude feels a lot like guilt.

Because when you’ve survived cancer, you’re told you’re lucky.
You’re told to celebrate your strength.
You’re told to “stay positive” while your hair, appetite, hormones, and body shape change faster than your doctor’s handwriting. On top of whatever other life, health, and hormone changes you are enduring.

But under the pastel language of survivorship is a quieter truth: sometimes survival feels like betrayal.

The Myth of the “Grateful Survivor”

Medical culture loves a good redemption story. You get sick, you fight, you win. Cue the bell ring and the “I beat cancer” T-shirt.
But it’s not that simple.

For many people, cancer treatment brings a deep, visceral disconnection from the body. Mastectomy scars, ports, radiation burns, sudden menopause, weight fluctuations—each one rewrites how you inhabit your skin. Medications you have to take forever. Changes you never expected, and the doctors did not even mention as possibilities.

You might hear: “You should just be grateful to be alive.”
But what you actually feel is: “My body turned against me.”

That disconnect isn’t vanity. It’s trauma.
And trauma often shows up in food, control, and self-image long before it shows up in words.

When Control Becomes Comfort

Disordered eating isn’t always about thinness. Sometimes it’s about agency.
When your body feels unpredictable—diagnosis, chemo, steroids, fatigue—it’s easy to turn to the things you can control: what you eat, how much you move, how “disciplined” you appear.

It’s not your fault. It’s a survival strategy that once worked.
The problem is that medical recovery and emotional recovery rarely happen on the same schedule.

As weight changes, hormones shift, and digestion struggles under treatment, the inner critic often grows louder:

“I should be eating cleaner.”
“I need to lose the weight chemo gave me.”
“I should look healthy by now.”

That “should” language? It’s diet culture dressed in scrubs.

Grieving a Body You Still Live In

After cancer, you may not recognize the body in the mirror. It can feel foreign—stitched, swollen, scarred, or simply not yours.
And yet, everyone around you keeps saying “you look great.”

Body grief is real. You can mourn what was while learning to care for what remains.
Gratitude and grief can coexist.
You can honor your body’s survival and be heartbroken about what it cost.

That’s not weakness. It’s honesty.

When “Fighting” Becomes Punishment

Illness often gets framed as a moral test: fight harder, eat better, think positive.
But “clean eating” and “wellness” can quietly slip into disordered patterns—restriction disguised as discipline, self-blame disguised as motivation.

You’re told to “boost your immunity” with green juice while you’re just trying to keep food down.
You’re told to avoid “toxins” while your body’s full of medication that keeps you alive.

That’s purity culture masquerading as health.

The truth:
You didn’t cause your cancer.
You can’t out-discipline biology.
And your worth has never been tied to your lab results or your BMI.

Rebuilding Trust with Your Body

If you’re trying to reconnect with your body after illness, start small.
Control isn’t the goal. Trust is.

Download our free Nourishment Map from RESET to begin that process.
It’s a guided tool that helps you recognize hunger, fullness, and emotion cues with compassion, not judgment.
You can get it here: Download the Nourishment Map PDF

You deserve to feel at home in your body again—no conditions attached.

What Weight-Neutral, Trauma-Informed Care Looks Like

If you’re seeking support after cancer, look for providers who:

Understand trauma: They ask before touching, explain procedures, and validate fear.
Respect body autonomy: They don’t comment on your weight, shape, or “bounce back.”
Support intuitive eating: They help you rebuild body trust without food rules.
Collaborate: They treat you as the expert on your own body.

Questions to ask a provider:

How do you address weight stigma in your practice?
Do you provide trauma-informed care for body image or eating concerns post-treatment?
How do you support nutrition and movement without focusing on weight loss?
What resources or referrals do you offer for emotional healing, not just medical recovery?

The Quiet Side of Survival

Cancer changes you in ways no biopsy can measure. You might feel pressure to “move on,” but moving on isn’t the same as healing.

If your relationship with food, rest, or body image feels fragile right now, it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you’re human.

You’re allowed to love your scars some days and hate them others. You’re allowed to rest instead of fight. You’re allowed to heal without performing resilience.

Because your body isn’t the enemy. It’s the witness.

Quotes to Reflect On

“Healing is not about becoming someone new. It’s about letting yourself be who you are.” — Pema Chödrön
“The body keeps the score, but it also keeps the story.” — Adapted from Bessel van der Kolk
“You don’t have to be grateful for every part of your pain to honor your survival.”
“You can’t hate yourself into healing.” — Unknown

Affirmations

My body is not my enemy.
I can hold gratitude and grief at the same time.
Rest is not weakness.
I do not need to perform health to deserve care.